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©Jason Reeves, 2006, all rights reserved.
At home and need to wake up early for Golf. I turned on and just stared at my computer. There is one song that keeps on repeating in my head, and start listens to it on YouTube. It is An old Indonesian ballad from a band that I don’t think still exist today. All the flood of flashbacks just keeps on rushing in my head.
It started a few days ago when I’m looking for an old bag for a trip out-of-town. I stumbled on an album, memento of memories, I just couldn’t throw away these for sentimental reason. It is something hardly worth anything, However, it has thousands of past memories. For me, it is priceless.
A mini album contained letters and bunch of old printed photographs. We called it “photo-box” photos. And also few mementoes. It still looks good enough to call for my curiosity. I just want to take a peek a little and see what nostalgia could bring.
There was one mini notebook from a once-close friend. She used to always wrote all her feelings in a book. And for reasons unknown, she could not say directly to me. I guess some people are just that way. It will be fun remembering after all those years.
I turned the first page and thought “why not, right?” let’s read it, again, from the beginning, and how foolish I am to think that started so simple, somehow pulled me by a force unknown in this universe, and I just stuck there kept on reading, turning the pages, meanwhile blurry images and sketchy memories just kept on going, flooding my mind into a state of enigma.
One mini diary consists of a couple of letters. And also notes and ramblings describing bit and pieces of past stories. Somehow, I remember all and reliving it again. It was so bright like Marty Mcfly just came out of his DeLorean.
I was reading and listen to what the writer meant back then. Carefully understand each word. Afterwards, it all comes in waves; the guilty conscience, the regrets, the self-implicating mistakes. My state of being back then definitely different with this moment.
Stuck between the pages and letters were old photographs of us, some with few friends, and All the sentiments, all the guilt, all the excitements, all the regrets, could not help and punch me in the face, rendering me completely knocked out.
It truly was one of “Sliding Doors” (the movie) moment for me, all the questions of what happened if we did things differently back then? What will happen now? In this future time? As I looked my surrounding just to ground me back to reality.
Shook my head and hypnotise myself into keep on turning the pages and going at it ‘till the end, and afterwards, just hang there in silence.
Blessing in disguise.
I’m always grateful for this reality, I am, everything that happened always succeed in teaching us something, by passing through it. It is not like we all could be that guy in “About time” movie, and push our self in a closet and went back in time to redo everything. No, time is sure fluid but also linear, we experienced it all but also keep on moving forward. (at least for now, usually not though according to SyFy) However, it was just one of these moments, where, it hits you, and made you keep on telling yourself, what if’s?
Oh yes, I’m sure she’s happy somewhere with her little family, and NO, I don’t want to do anything to ruin it, not. ever. Wishful thinking in my momentary lapse of weakness, where would I be now if anything happened differently.
Just sat there, staring, chuckling. Going back some of my life stories could be so deep and meaningful and made me pondered real hard, and have realised to appreciate every story that life taught, how every moment that passed, no matter how hard, how silly, or how simple, could become something precious and meaningful later on.
So now and then (mostly now, this moment) when I’m feeling down, depressed and lonely (#likenow #yesweknowitalready! #geez #toobvious) I always try to remember that all of this will become a fragment of time that I will come back and look at it differently, gratefully, and more maturely. Even though things are not going so well lately in a *cough* romance *clears throat* department (not lack thereof, just not feeling it, yet) I know that there is someone somewhere out there, just waiting for the universe to tilt it wheels the right way and bring joy and happiness that I’m longed-for, not bad, eh for an Agnostic to believe in greater power, huh.
-Hajar / 27 May 2015-