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I think It has been a while since I write anything sincere again, Last time I wrote and updated this blog was around last year and take a look at this month, it was like three posts already. Huh, who’s counting? Many stories lost in the old blog hajarsusanto.com; (Updated: Just bought the domain again now could access from www.bermainhati.com)
Tonight, I don’t want to write a meta-psychology-philosophy-kind thing. I want to write what I’ve been feeling lately. Hold on, let me find the adjective to describe it; Sad, dazed, confuse, lonely, depressed, unhappy, gloomy, miserable? I run out of words. It ‘s hard explaining personal feelings to some typing machine in front of you. Hey, I’m trying it now.
Why do I feel all the above? I don’t know the answer to that. I think it just happened like a cycle thing; that happens once in a while when you’re sad and alone. Especially when you’re an only child and still lives with your parents. (It still a cultural thing in Indonesia, where it’s common to stay with your parents until marriage) To explain all of those feelings, allow me to tell a short story.
This is not a love story
I guess what people say is right, men (or women) tend to over-analyse and a selective when finding their life partner as they mature with age. Because that person is the someone you want to spend the rest of your miserable life with. Sometimes, you think it too far ahead; her background, education, job, family, friends, even horoscope? All the things that seem so trivial before becoming necessary when you want to find the one. And you processed it already without knowing whether she respond to your feeling and like you back. Weird, huh?
“Stop wasting your youth” or “you’re not getting any younger”, so they say, and quickly find your partner. Because it is that hard to find someone right. Someone who understands you, laugh at your silly jokes and useless unrelated information. Sit with hands open and listen when you cry your heart. Be there no matter what will stay for a while. A person who walks through the journey together? Is it a real person? Or you just asking way too many?
Without even realising it, you met with different kind of people, trying to know each one of them a bit better, and please.., stop wasting your time with the youth and the carefree, sometimes they just enjoying the fun in their early twenties. Afterwards, search and categorised, tag them with potentials, select a few that you know they’re right and trying to steer away from the bad, even try cross-referencing it with your own past experiences. And suddenly, unexpectedly & not even realising it… Fall for one.
Liking someone is quite tricky. When suddenly you seem to care about what’s going on. Because when you’re starting to get just a tiny bit comfortable with someone, you will begin to wondering next where and what they are doing now. It is an unfortunate tell-tale sign honestly, it’s a sign that you cannot control your feelings, and suddenly it starts to grow uncontrollably somehow and now…, now you want that someone.
But then reality hits, like a brick to the forehead. That person, need to have the same feelings about you too. Otherwise, you’re clapping air. You need to make her know that you care and like her. It’s a bit like a game of cat & mouse really, ooh I’d been there done that so many times I can’t even begin to count. Trust me, I KNOW. So, what you’ll do next then? Show more of your attention, attraction and your presence to her in any human ways possible. Get her to notice somehow. (although arguably women usually always know, they don’t want to show it) Anyhow, don’t do it too much, or you will scare her to think that you’re just a player or worse; a psychopath rapist-murderer with a hoe. Ha!
You start doing the math in your head, can she? Will she be? Is she? Will she understand? will she be ready to or at least willing to try to get to know you, the real you and who you are? How you lived your life until now? Hey, Nobody’s perfect. Everybody stores faults and skeletons in their closet. But, will she be able to care and share? Nobody knows.
Then the time comes to brave yourself and tell her about how you’ve been feeling until now, and it is not always gonna be a smooth ride, there are no the right time and place. You have to say it to her face that you like her and you want with her and maybe, just maybe if everything working out. You’re gonna ask her and hold her hand to walk that aisle. C’mon Prince, just go and get your princess. Tell her how you feel and ask her does she feel the same way too or not.
It is a simple task, and yet you can always find a way to ruin it just by being yourself. You and your damn stupid blubbering mouth. Still, SPOIL the day. You always told more than she asks for it now. It is way too much for her to handle a matter of course. Why don’t you try to give her a bit time and space so she can figure it out anyway later on, definitely not in the beginning? I curse a spell on you for being too honest and too open too soon with someone, you know, will not accept it right away. !@£$$%^&£&(%$$£^&&!! Where’s that damn Harry Potter’s wand??
Mother Faith knows best.
And as the story goes, Sometimes Mother Faith is not always going the direction you ever want it to. This is a competition, and a new challenger will rise. Another person who also like her the way you like her, and who also trying to win her heart. Up to this point, sometimes I prefer on the other side and be able to choose, not chasing. It seems more natural that way, or maybe not. I never had that kind of luxury before and be able to pick a few women who like me, in my dreams perhaps, but in the real world? I know that I’m not damn near enough as Christian Sugiono.
Once again, the story goes around, and around it goes. Been there done that, fighting over a girl. C’mon, not again, really had enough of those, honestly. But, what can you do? The ball is now on the girl’s feet, and it is up to her which side of the goal post she wants to dribble away her feelings.
Suddenly, you find yourself losing the game; you realised that now, you have way too many faults and mishaps that will not win her favour in any real way possible anytime soon. You understood a little too late; it is not entirely your fault, you don’t even know the competition exist until it was too later in the game, call it an injury time if you excuse all the football metaphors. And you just got served with a penalty kick!
A typical guy meets girl story.
So, to sum up, it’s just a naïve story about a boy likes a girl, wishing sincerely just being with her will be able to make the boy become a better person. However, the girl decided, maybe it will bring headaches and complications and more problems ahead. So, the girl chose the other boy, because… Well, I don’t know the exact reason, but then, so suddenly the girl called the boy and ended it on the phone. Not even wanting to meet first and say it directly to the boy, the boy who confused then, now realising that it just a simple law of attraction. Which the girl more attracted to and felt safer? Not the boy, who has dark past and twisted stories and complicated plot like Game of Thrones.
The boy now realising he is sad that it happened the way it did, but the boy has no other choices or anything new to offer to the girl. So the boy made up a story. A story was written on the internet, and it goes something like this… It is about a boy who meets a girl, like her, but the girl only just not like him back. End of story.
H, losing sleep to his always wandering thought
May, 26th 2016